THE TOUCHY-FEELY POST

Some women accuse me of never talking about myself or my personal life. I find this to be quite puzzling considering every single thing ever written in the history of the human race ever has gone something a little like this (I did some research):

Messopotamia c. 200o BCE:
"Lulbula sat idle in the mountains; in the faraway places. He is wise and achieves many exploites. Lulbula went to the carnelian mountains of seven mouths. Lulbula fed sheeps fat to the Anzud chick and smeared fat on its beak. Enlil joined Lulbula on the mountain with sparkling eyes. Enlil had cedar affixed to her head. Lulbula and Enlil talked where no cypris grow. Enlil spoke of Dumuzi's holy butter churn and reed-arrows like moonlight. Lulbula spoke no words. Enlil was pleased and placed her Lion Helmet on the head of Lulbula."

Greece c. 5th Century BCE:
A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. A man who does not speak but asks many questions shall father many children.

Rome - Ovid - 43 BCE:
Jupiter from on high laughs at lovers' perjuries. Hold your tongue so that she may speak of herself, for at night there is no such thing as an ugly woman.

China 140 CE:
Wise is the man who lets his wife speak. With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes satin. With time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.

Scene II in the Capulet's Orchard carries twice as many lines for Juliet as it does for Romeo. Does Romeo get laid (in the Shakespearean sense, of course)? Yes he does. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

And then there's my personal favorite:
"The problem most men have is... they just plain straight up have no clue how to talk to women. Just ask a question, okay? That's it. Because women do not care about what you have to say... at all, anyway, you know. And all they want to do is talk about themselves. So you're just gonna let them do that, okay? So remember, ask questions, be cool, and be kind of a dick. Here... be David Caruso in Jade."

So, there's where it is. I got lazy in the middle there, but we ended on a high note. And if you're still wondering if I'm one of those Bastard-covered Bastards with Bastard filling, and I have an icy-dead tree stump where my heart should be, I'll tell you this: today I found a dead dog by the side of the creek. It looked like he had just up and decided it was his time, and you know what? He laid himself down, chased one last car in his doggie-imagination, and went to sleep forever. That shit made me pretty sad, you know? But he looked like a good 'ol dog to me. So I figure he's chasing cars in doggie heaven, and that's a pretty good thought on a Tuesday.

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