MY STUFF HURTS

Once in awhile I'll look out across the sea of faces and wonder if our collective karma is just winding its way down to zero. There are those among us who fight this rising tide, those who see the deepening spiritual bankruptcy and push back. Sometimes you get called to stand against the crashing waves and fight the modern crusade for Good. Sometimes you have to be the person responsible for getting the divorced lady drunk, and making sure she gets her turn on the mechanical bull.

It's not like I was driving or anything.

And so ends 8 straight days of drinking; me slurring, "c'mon, let's do one that's on fire this time!," the oh-so-recently divorced thinking, "maybe I shouldn't, you know I don't usually.... oh hell yes it's on fire!," and her best friend standing behind her mouthing the words "KEEP HER DRINKING" and sliding 20s to the bartender. There was a point in the night where I just had to ask myself, is this all there is?

Most likely it was the point at which I untangled myself from the tangled nest of bodies, and took inventory of the empty wrappers, the motion-activated owl, and the half-eaten boxes of GirlScout cookies alight in the glow of false-dawn.

I celebrated the end of this bender with a promise to do good deeds from now on. I cooked my roommie and his girlfriend a delicious breakfast of California omelets, bagels, and coffee, then phoned my tennis buddy to drag his ass out of bed and get me some exercise (quick note to the marketing execs for Michelob Ultra, your new ad campaign should be, "Because drinking a lot of beer will turn you into a big fattie, fattie." It's amazing how chubby I've gotten. Hell, I wouldn't even have sex with me.) After almost thee hours of tennis on cold, flabby muscles I had to call it quits, and let me tell you something, friends, my stuff HURTS today. But my God, does it feel good too feel good in the morning. Great even.

And so, to continue in the theme of all things great and wonderful about this planet, I give you the following video (and, boy oh boy, does it feel good to be a big, geeky science nerd, too):