3.02.2007

YOU CAN'T FUCK AN iPHONE*

I started reading Mark Morford's column in SF Gate because it reminded me of my own witty-at-times self-aggrandizing writing style, but lately he's started to kind of piss me off. Not only is he stealing my ideas (Morford: 2/14/07: How to Shave the Modern Male vs. YouHandsomeDevil: 1/20/06: The Essentials of Modern Gardening), but he's starting to pussy-foot around some key life issues.

For example, if it pleases you to do so, read this article concerning the rampant and runaway consumerism plaguing our already-degenerate society. Not a bad article at all, Mark. Well said.

But what you should have written was:

Dear Everyone,

Please stop buying so much shit. You don't need it. Go outside, drink a beer, and try to get laid. It's way better.

Love,

Mark

Seriously, I'm not kidding, either. Quit buying so much shit. Take your Blackberry, your iPhone, your skin-searing TV, your XBox, your Bluetooth headset, your TiVo, your DVR, your PSP, put them all in one big pillow case and smash the shit out of them with a 2x4. Giggle and smile as you liberate yourself from all the crap you weren't meant to have in the first place. Terminate with extreme prejudice. KILL KILL KILL. Better yet, microwave those fuckers in a sparky explosion of irony.

Weep tears of joy when the swarming clouds of electrons dissipate, and you can finally see the sun again (the actual sun!). Feel warm blood fill your limbs again and... what's that? Is that the sound of an un-digitized human voice?! (Sounds like angels making love...). My God, the sheer ecstasy of it all.

Think about that next time you feel like you have to buy some crap that you absolutely do not need. Do it for me. Go find some warm ocean waves to toss you into the sky in glorious exaltation of the world unfiltered by these demonic, technological prophylactics.

See Mark? I didn't even have to talk about my favorite Pinot or used books or my Prius or Democrats or softsupple women I've boned or French cuisine or 'Product' or any of the remaining myriad of hippie-liberal-hipster bullcrap (that I/we normally talk about), though I doubt this message will appear in any respectable publication. Sigh.

*Please don't send me links to iBrators or any other clever crap like that. Tie those ideas in knots with the real message: tech-stimulation is still exactly as is sounds. Much like this rant, it's still just jerking off.