DR. COCKSUCKER

holy fuck did i just nut myself when millar hit that walk-off homerun against the A's tonight. i'm a sox fan, albeit a fakie freshman sox fan, but it still gives me goosebumps to think of big papi ortiz nodding an affirmative 'aww yea, son' on deck while manny charges through one of his clutch homers, fenway freaks absolutely losing their shit, and me fucking with my sexually frustrated anthro doctorate shills upstairs while they try and awkwardly masturbate themselves to sleep, unable to climax under the inescapable urge to deconstruct the role of the female orgasm in a patriarchal society... god i hate those awful women.

but that's not the point of this post, though that would be a good story in and of itself....

someone called me a cocksucker today when i muscled my way into their lane. i had the top down on my cheery chariot, offering me three convenient ways to signal my gratitude (middle finger extended, of course), but somehow the sunshine melted the cold, black ice surrounding what once could be considered my 'human heart,' and i began to think about what it really means to be a cocksucker....

welcome to my fucked-up netherworld, dear friends...

anyway, let's suppose for one eensy weensy second that i were, in fact, a homosexual--please don't allow my taste for interior design and/or manscaping to shoehorn your mind into this little universe i've created--one of my responsibilities as a homosexual, no doubt, would be a fair amount of cocksucking; good, proper cocksucking. understanding my own obsessive compulsive behavior and my well-developed fear of failure, i do believe i would make it my business to be the best cocksucker i could be. i would read books, attend seminars, study the regional dialects of cocksucking (e.g. they do it in texas, but they don't tell jesus), and travel the world collecting oral histories (and what a pun!) concerning the ancient arts of tantric cocksucking as depicted in various tapestries and wood-carvings. yea verily, i would be a veritable wise cocksucking scholar of the world....

or if this fanciful little scenario of mine fails to bring about the preemptive understanding i wish to impose on my more loyal readers, who no doubt know me well enough to expect these punctual punch-lines in my rambling, might i illustrate a more homophobic-friendly example:

ever been on the receiving end of a real god-bless-america, put gas in your car, found 10 bucks in your pocket blowjob? i have, and i assure you i never used the term 'cocksucker' negatively in that context. quite the contrary...

that's exactly why i don't understand how calling me a cocksucker would seem insulting. he might as well screamed "WELL-PLACED TURN OF PHRASE!" or "POIGNANT OBSERVATION ON THE HUMAN CONDITION" or "NICE ASS." all would have kept equal company with 'cocksucker.'

based on his reaction to my 'thanks! i've been practicing!' retort, he did not share my enthusiasm for this phrase.

sox pulled one off in the 9th, i saw the most beautiful girl in boston at wholefoods, there's a raging party next door that will entice people to fuck on my lawn, got invited to a looooong overdue tryst in napa, and New Edition's playing on the box which pretty much puts a very goddamn good end to an otherwise shit-tay day in paradise.

tomorrow i'll tell you about the horrible Kafka-esqe dream i had last night that started my day careening down the crap vector... but i really don't feel like re-hashing that one just now.

sweet dreams.