1.20.2006

THE ESSENTIALS OF MODERN GARDENING

the following describes an issue that has come up over the past months, which i have researched, brooded over, interviewed people on the street, conducted controlled scientific experiments, begged, borrowed, and stole to present a case for the ages. i will begin by posing a simple thought experiment and end with a discussion of broad implications that will no doubt inspire a healthy amount of controversy.

let's begin...

think of a world in which there are two doors at every entrance... like the mall vestibules... and in our world there exists no preset concepts of chivalry and no predetermined gender stereotypes. we give our world life by placing you and a stranger at unequal, but close, distance to the nearest double entrance. the first one of you to reach the outer door opens it and holds it for you while you enter.

what happens next?

in a courteous universe, the answer would logically be, "i, in turn, open and hold the inner door while the stranger enters, thus returning the favor."

this response would be a perfectly acceptable, reasonable, and logical result for this thought experiment. you can continue to explore multiple outcomes on your own time, but this will suffice for now.

now let's imagine we're not talking about opening doors for a stranger, but we're talking about shaving your balls.

taking what we've learned from the thought experiment posed above, let's now elaborate by extending our courteous universe to the world of personal grooming.

posit: i prefer a woman keep the hedges 'round the gazebo in neat, tidy order. it's a preference. the entrance to the batcave was always hidden by a subterfuge of bookshelves for the exact purpose of foiling villains like myself, yes? and furthermore, i have enough trouble finding my way around down there, so there's no reason to make it more difficult. seriously, help me out.

action: remove the obstacle.

result: maximum happiness is achieved through a simple, pre-existing bargaining structure.

...but remember, kids, we live in a courteous universe...

what have we achieved here? have i merely custom tailored my world to fit my specific set of values and desires? au contraire, mes amis!

remember the inner door? wouldn't you be upset if, upon holding the outer door, you were to find your companion breezing through both doors without returning the favor? well, i believe the same applies to landscaping. once again, let's return to our logic structure:

posit: i am pleased when a woman keeps the foliage in check, and am more likely to engage in extended acts of depravity in/on her presence.

result: she is rewarded for her efforts...(not always, but not from lack of effort on my part, whoopeee!)

action: in turn, if i am to expect the same level of enthusiasm, i will also denude the coin-purse.

result: both parties benefit from a simple matter of Nash bargaining. gentlemen, be kind to the ladies. shave your balls, and ye shall be rewarded.

plus it makes your junk look huge.

what say you, community of scholars? have i conducted this experiment with thorough and strict adhesion to the laws of reason?

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