...AND I FEEL FINE

lately, i've been looking ahead in my life, and it's just as cheery as ice cream and My Little Pony. however, it's far too creepy to indulge in such siliness, and i would rather just watch baseball. on the other hand, it does offer me that one, sweet creative outlet for which i've been begging all day, so i believe i'll satisfy my apocalyptic fantasies for at least a few minutes more.

let's conjure up a world in which, well... we've all died fantastic deaths. let's rock, bitches.

Anjipur 'Reckless' Ramachandran was found late Tuesday night in his Lakeshore Drive estate by his wife, Staci Ramachandran. The prominent Chicago divorce lawyer allegedly drowned in the 11th century Corinthian marble bathtub he and his wife purchased during their annual retreat to the Mediterranean island of Cyprus when the elaborate array of heavy, gold necklaces he was known to wear became entangled in the African ivory 'hot' dial. Police have not yet ruled out foul play, as he had accrued many enemies over the course of his tragically short lifetime. Known fondly as 'Reckless' to his wife, friends, and key members of the Gujarati mafia, he became instantly wealthy upon successfully defending Salvatore 'The Walrus' Giggolone in a high profile embezzlement - murder - racketeering - fraud - prostitution - conspiracy case marred by rumors of massive bribes, assassinations, and injustices. However, after the acquittal, Giggolone became one of Chicago's greatest benefactors and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2024 (the award was presented by former President, Robot-Jimmy Carter). Though he never argued a case again, Reckless enjoyed wild, and mysterious financial success in the years following the Giggolone trial. At the time of his death, he was under investigation for possession of the largest mp3 collection in the world, rumored to consist of exactly 10 million rare Clash live recordings, the entire Erasure discography, and one song labeled cryptically 'XXXL'. He will be dearly missed.

The Honorable K.A.S. 'Nelio' Lundegaaard passed quietly late Friday evening. A Midwesterner by birth, 'Nelio' moved West after feeling what close friends would later describe as 'a powerful sensation of destiny... as if he were listening to a greater voice.' After living reclusively in the harsh Utah desert for nearly a decade, he returned to Salt Lake City whereupon he was greeted as the second coming of Brigham Young. The Latter Day Saints apparently confused the two, as Nelio had grown an ethereal, 'Colonel Sanders-type' beard. The mistake was never corrected and, owing to his affinity for the Mormon practice of polygamy, Nelio chose to remain in Utah. Known as 'The Father of Modern Polygamy,' Nelio committed his defining years to polygamous advocacy, appearing before the United States Supreme Court a staggering 17 times and distributing propaganda T-shirts, buttons, bumperstickers, and beer cozies throughout the Southwest. A strong Scandinavian, Nelio fought a noble battle against terminal disease, but in the end, succomed to the burden of Syphilis/Gonorrhea/Chlamydia/Herpes/Hepatitis. 17 of his 49 wives were with him at the time of his death, when he is suspected to have muttered his lifelong mantra, 'monagamy is for bitches, give me some sugar Rebekkah-number-five!' He will be dearly missed.

Our beloved Dme. Amelia 'Reg' Rainer died tragically last night when she threw herself into the Caspian sea. She was 94 years old. Having made a legendary name for herself as a prominent New York literary impressaria, Reg published 'Tender is the Farewell to the Moveable Feast for whom the Snow Tolls' at the tender age of 32. The book was poorly understood by the even the world's most accomplished literary scholars, consequently received the New York Times' most glowing accolades for literary achievement, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Outstanding Literature 3 years in a row (each award was presented by former President Robot-Jimmy Carter). Her celebrity attracted the attention of Monaco's Prince Albert Grimaldo, whom she wed in 2019. The two became the world's most glamorous couple and were endeared worldwide. Sadly, Prince Grimaldo was killed in his 138th attempt to circumnavigate the globe in his vintage, World War II airplane. Subsequently, Reg became the Queen of Monaco and then Eurasia when the small Mediterranean country, known for its casinos, luxury hotels, and movie stars, annexed the countries of Europe and Asia in 2045, over which she ruled with benevolence for many years. Tragically, her great empire fell to Belgium in the Great Brisket Wars of 2057. Reg is rumored to have fallen into deep despair, and soon after ended her own life. She was found clutching Lindsay Lohan's epic autobiography, 'Still Life with Lindsay.' She will be dearly missed.

Rodolfo 'R' Nuñez died of a massive heart attack at Cedar Sinai General Hospital in Malibu yesterday morning. He was 41. Growing up in the midwest, friends remember his childhood as 'tumultuous... but always with a sense of boyish wonder... and, CHRIST, what a package!!' He moved to California to feed his growing desire for knowledge, but soon after left school to become a prominant entrepeneur. After a series of falures as a surfboard shaper, oil tycoon, impressionist painter, and haberdasher, he disappeared into the Mexican desert where he was rumored to operate the largest Pan-American Mescaline exchange ever conceived before or since. A patriarchal figure, local Mescaline growers continue to praise his name ('Papa Nuñez' as he was affectionately known), but despite his popularity in Mexico and Central America, R gave up his pastoral lifestyle when the lure of superstardom swept him to the San Fernando valley of Southern California. His swift induction into the adult-film uber-star cult, 'The Fernando 4,' was a testament to the power of the great American spirit he possessed until his death. Known then as Chet Skindeep (often credited as 'Brick Foreskin,' 'Spank Peterman,' and in his later, more theatrical work 'Chuck Dick'ns'), he and the Fernando 4 brought adult film to the American mainstream and into our hearts every Tuesday night from 6:30 to 7:00 pm - setting the stage for the popular comedy, 'More Perfect Strangers' with Robot-Bronson Pinchot. In 2017, he recorded the smash hit, 'Baby, You Ain't Seen Nothin' (Until You've Seen the Inside of My Van), which topped the Australian charts at #53. Often cited as 'the Brando of Porn,' R married Paris Hilton, but she was suddenly, and unexpectedly kidnapped 6 minutes and 38 seconds into their honeymoon and never seen again. The case was never solved. In an astonishing display of courage through adversity, R married Amanda Peet 18 hours later and the two lived a fantastically happy life together. On his deathbed, and with his beloved wife by his side, he was said to have spoken the words, 'tis a far far better thing that i do, than i have ever done... to Amanda Peet... three times before breakfast, HOOyea!' We will miss him dearly.