THE INTERNET IS, LIKE, TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT, MAN

Owing to my aforementioned spinal injury and the ensuing liver-busting cocktails of spasmolytics + opiates that allow me to be oh-so-productive at work, I haven't gotten out of the office/house much. Sure there's TV, but I've long since exhausted all acceptable possibilities there. And, yea, maybe I learned a song or two on the new guitar, but a pilled-up white man hacking through Cat Stevens's catalog is just way too trite at this point (hey Mom and Dad, I work with your kids! hooray!). Super Tuesday was exciting, yet Tuesday, and today's Thursday, not Tuesday anymore, so that just leaves me with the internet.

And the internet is kewl.

I've never said this before, but I think YouTube was worth the squillion dollars Google paid for it. Prove this to yourself by taking two meaty fistfulls of Tylenol PM, wait 30 minutes, and watch this video:

Stare at it. After awhile that little blue dude starts really speaking to your soul, hombre. Hokay, now that you've got Matthew Wilder's sweet sweet one hit wonder in your dome, go ahead and take a gander at his live performance:

Do you hear that? It's the sound of your mind being blown wide friggen' open. Giggle like a tickled baby for me.

So I'm easily tricked by things that bounce around joyfully and without purpose. That's why I liked this year's Superbowl commercials so much. Most were totally random, involved some form of senseless gimmick (like a guy getting wailed on by man in a mouse costume), and left me completely unable to recall what, if anything, I was supposed to then go out and purchase. Until this morning I would have said "bravo to you, sirs" but I no longer have any faith in our country's octo-mega-pus advertising regime. Why, you ask (as if you were actually curious)?

Because the French sell fruit better than anyone in the fucking universe. Don't believe me? Do yourself the biggest favor by shutting the door, making sure no one is looking, and watching this television advertisement that is certainly unsafe for any workplace environment in our ridiculously misguided, puritanical, and vitamin-deficient country.

P.S. If you don't appreciate breasts, don't click on the link. Then never, ever speak to me again. Get out of my site. (I just blew your mind again, didn't I.)