winter is a very revealing time; you can learn a lot about a person or group of people by how they handle stress during this season, and bostonians are certainly no exception. take for instance the way you deal with snow and your cars. we midwesterners do not understand you. you puzzle us. we watch you bundle on layer after layer of winter clothing, step out into the biting wind, and meticulously carve your automobiles out of snow while we watch you from the cozy warmth of our barbeque. we, as a people, have learned to live in harmony with the snowy tempest, and we have lived in peaceful coexistence with the winter for generations. take note:

clearing the snow from your car in the morning…
i have stared in wonder at some of you carefully removing every last snowflake from your car, first with the brush, then the scraper, the toothbrush, the fine chamois… your car is not a rare archaeological find, it is a beast of steel. treat it as such.
-begin with this simple test: extend both arms directly in front of you and wiggle your fingers. can you see them? if so, it is daytime. do not clean off your headlights.
-continue on to your rear license plate… do you know what it’s for? it’s there because the police need to know who you are when you’ve been bad. do not clean off your license plate.
-third on the list: your rear window. take a very close look at your rear window. see those thin, black lines? heat comes from there. it melts the snow. do not clean off your rear window.
-more importantly, re-think your windshield. many people scrape the ice from their windshield before driving. this is wrong. get in your car, turn it on, and locate the windshield washer. hold the washer in until the fluid breaks through the layer of snow on the hood. once a 4-inch spot has opened up on your windshield, you will be able to see forward. do not get out and clean off your windshield.
-if you must use your side mirrors, roll your windows down three inches. roll them up, and there will be a three-inch clean spot on the bottom of the window. wax on, wax off. do not clean off your side windows.
-objects that are not attached to the outside of the car will fall off at speed. do not clean off your hood.
-ragtops are soft and flexible. a few well-placed blows at 25mph will dislodge any remaining snow and discourage tailgaters. do not clean off your hood.
follow these rules and you will be on the road in less than three minutes.

1 comment:

neilio said...

It's funny 'cause it's true.

I read this as I watched my bitch of a downstairs neighbor cleaning off her 1984 Volvo 240DL like she just found a perfectly preserved Mastadon at an archeological dig.

People are stupid.