B.A.M. 2.25.06

total miles: 26
elevation: 5000 ft down to the water, 5000 feet back up
total time: 5 hours

a few muscles in the bod are a bit stiff today. and by 'a few' i mean 'damn near all.'

i figured the best way to follow up a late night of hard drinking would be to drag my ass up and down a mountain all afternoon instead of eating, sleeping, or generally getting well... what the hell, no one's ever accused me of being particularly smart, or prudent, or a dead wringer for mary tyler moore for that matter. but anyway, the mean little trick Big Basin plays on you is that park HQ is at the top, and the beach is at the bottom, so when you're on your way down, you get all ballsy and think "hey, i'm not entirely exhausted yet, i'll just keep pushing on," completely forgetting you've got 12 miles and 5000 feet to climb back up...

so much, in fact, that you feel like taking the hard way down.

by the time park HQ was 1km away, i began to realize how much northern california looks like the forest moon of Endor...

mostly because of all the ewoks i had to fight off with my nunchucks.

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HFS

you know it's a good day when you're backstage having beers with X after the show and Jello Biafra sits down next to you on the couch.

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HOW MIDWESTERNERS GROW THEIR HEROES

the u.s. curling team nabbed a bronze medal today which, by my count, is a first, but let's look a little closer at our blue collar hero, skip Pete Fenson, over there.

6'1" and 165 pounds. owns a couple of nice pizza joints in Bemidji and Brainerd, Minnesota.

sort of gives you hope, doesn't it?

i'm pretty psyched about how things turned out, and i'm pretty bummed that it's going to take another 4 years until any television station anywhere in (the warm half of) this country will ever broadcast a curling game ever.

but, whatever. we sure did have a wild ride, didn't we pete? yeaaaa....

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WHEEEE!

do yourself a favor, get drunk and go grocery shopping. 8 cans of meaty chili may seem like a good idea, but... well... you'll laugh about it later.

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WTF?

why is olympic curling so friggin' awesome?

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NO SLEEPY SLEEP

three straight days of (semi-legal) recreational drug use ain't helping my sleep patterns much, so i'm up, and i realize i haven't just yak yak yakked about mindless bullshit in a really long time (well... two days really, but don't be such a smarty-pants).

in the car on the way back from work this morning, 10,000 maniacs busted out on the radio from, like, 1992. i was rockin' it, bobbin' my head and singing along with natalie merchant, and i discovered my natalie merchant impression sounds an awful lot like my dave matthews impression. that, my friends, made me laugh pretty darn hard. then, naturally, i turned off the radio and played a little game i like to call, "what if natalie merchant and dave matthews made a duet... what would that sound like?" and of course they both sound like bleating lambs, especially the way i do it, and that made me laugh even harder. Pete pointed out that they are both yodelers, but he uses people's full names in his blog, which is a strict no-no in the 'sphere, so i don't know what to think.

definitely yodelers.

i really like to use the word 'whore' a lot. like if i burn my hand on the oven, i'll call it a 'goddamn whore oven,' but i'll say the word 'whore' with a lot of fanfare, like i just swallowed some friendly bees and i want them out of my throat, but i don't want to harm them in any way. or if i can't find the remote, i'll call it a 'goddamn whore remote.' or 'goddamn whore safeway crunchy nuggets'... but you have to wonder how many whores there really are out there, just walkin' around. i'll bet you 10% of the people you see every day trade sex for money on a regular basis, and that includes friends and family, which is cool when you think about it, because i've met a lot of really nice people in my life....

goddamn whore nice people...

everybody wants to miniaturize their appliances these days (like the new pink RAZR, which i would absolutely detest if not for the ill psychedelic furs song playing over the commercial), like everything should be compact, but still mighty powerful, you know? and that sort of made me feel better about my junk, because it's, like, really compact when it's not in use... all tucked out of the way and whatnot... but when you take it out to actually use it from time to time, you're all, like, 'whoa where did that come from?!' so i'm pretty psyched about that.

goodnight, bitches.

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A NEW CAREER IN A NEW TOWN

so the new job goes a-like-a this:

i was nads-deep in snow-runoff water (cold-ass water), watching my breath steam out into the morning air (cold-ass morning air), around sunrise on my day off from grad school (cold-ass) today. it wasn't until i had walked halfway back to my car that i noticed i had lost half a toenail on a sharp rock in the river, but i had been too numb to notice. still, it beats working retail, and they gave me a spiffy hat to wear, so i'm pretty happy.

my roommate's a med student, so he get's a lot of cool shit to play with. today he got a silicone model of a breast (with creepy lumps in it, but still a breast), and i spent my few free minutes trying to stick it to things in the apartment. right now, it's attached to the freezer, which i think is pretty cool.

let it never be said that i'm tough to please...

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BEND AT THE KNEES BITCH

i spotted my physical therapist at best buy today, and i was really worried about how i should act... (bend at the knees, bend at the knees, bend at the knees, FETCH THAT PRINTER PAPER!), like she was going to critique my posture, or walk on over shaking her head in disapproval at my weak hip sockets.

but then i started thinking about running into your regular therapist at best buy. do you act like a spaz? do you grab for fistfulls of softcore porn?

i've never had a therapist, but from what i can gather from TV, i guess you're just supposed to try and sleep with him/her the whole time.

at least that's what those dirty sluts on sex in the city would have me believe.

dirty, dirty sluts...

i've got to get up wicked early for my new (quote) job (endquote), so i'm going to take a handful of painkillers and watch Out Cold, which you should totally rent, because it carries on the flaming torch of awesome from such movies as Ski School and Hot Dog (The Move). which rock. really really hard.

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SOMEBODY GON' DIE TODAY

i've become comfortable with the idea that some things in this universe will puzzle me until the day i make my grand departure, up to and including my roommate's decision to play some shitty Creed song at 7:00 this morning at what any normal person would consider an 'unreasonable' volume.

yea, because i love to wake up to scott staph's mealy, mouthful-o-tube-socks voice singing about, "oh jesus, jesus, i want you inside of me."

somebody please kill me.

actually, somebody please kill scott staph.

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OH THE SHAME OF IT

in another gross overstatement of our international superiority, we continue to assert sour so-called global dominance in these wicked and insensitive times. my friends, when, oh when, will we realize bullying is not the answer?

in yo' face uruguay!

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OH YOU WACKY VP

so you may have read 'accidental shooting' but you were thinking 'kill-crazy-rampage'

honestly, it was really just a matter of time. i wonder if he dreams of electric sheep....

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SOONER OR LATER THE BOREDOM SETS IN

though you can rearrange 'boredom' and turn it into 'bedroom,' can't you, mr. MC Paul Barman. anyway, i'm bored and really, really irritated with work right now, so i'm going to just fucking rant about a few things right up in hnyah.

1. daddy likes watching women's world cup volleyball in high def
2. Heidi Klum has really let herself go... nice going SADDLEBAGS! ...pregnant whatnow?
3. "Tang Dynasty" makes me giggle
4. Electric6 is a sweet band
5. the MythBusters intern, Kari, is a hottie

yup. that's it. that's all for now. they cant all be pulitzers...

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HAPPY TROGDAY!

wow. i can't believe it's been three years since the original debut (it's pronounced "da butt") of Trogdor the Burninator... the most compelling proof that college campuses are wild, fertile breeding grounds for idiocy (and chlamydia... and that shit is everywhere)... one day someone get's a mass email, and all of a sudden there's a friggin' Strongbad sticker on every third car.

i couldn't say what makes an internet meme reach the level of a bona fide epidemic, but there's no doubt in my mind that Trogdor has it.

happy birthday, Trogdor.

wait... i think i figured it out. you have to smoke a lot of pot, like, a lot of pot.


oh yea! and i get to say, "thanks to Katie for the tip." ooooo, how professional!

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