1.11.2008

I AM CLASSY (AND ALMOST 100% STD FREE, LADIES!)

My first reaction to the idea for this post was to start going to church again. Sadly, 4 Tylenol PM and a half-carafe of cough medicine couldn't exercise these demons from my head. I was conflicted. "Listen to your heartsong" I would say to the mirror in the morning, "it will never betray you." I listened. My heart told me I had shit for brains.

Then I met my coworker for 9:30 coffee, and I knew that this time was the right time to let this idea out into the world. K-rod, I hope this tale makes you feel better. After all, as my good neighbor so recently reminded me, I can't be afraid to reach for that rainbow. Ahem:

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I have been known position myself awkwardly among women (unintentionally brilliant double ententdre!). Don't believe me? See, if you will, oh I dunno... here here here here (2007 only!) and, not to put too fine a point on it, here. Yup. I roll big time. As luck would have it, a judge finally ordered me to get "Tested" last week (I know, I know... fascist), and I felt it necessary to spread the almost good news to almost all my partners. Those in the womens' prison will have to wait 'till the 1st of the month for their phone calls like always.

me: Hi, is this [Staci/Brandi/Chastiti/Cinnamon]?

(pause, muffled noises from the receiver)

me: It's 7:30.... I suppose that makes it... gosh, about 4:30 in the morning in Amsterdam. I guess I woke you up, but... (pause) we need to talk.

me: I got tested the other day, and I need to tell you that I'm almost 100% in the clear. But... there is this one thing...

(muffled, but decidedly angrier noises from the receiver)

me: I... think I got it from all the eating out I've been doing lately.

(icy silence from the receiver)

me: Honey, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but...

me: It's... it's KitchenAids. I think you should get tested right away.


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Happy Friday, everyone. Keep reaching for that rainbow.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If I'm that neighbor, you're being way too metaphoric on the reach-for-the-rainbow comment. I meant reach for the shingles and gutters around my house--you know, for cleaning and repair. I'm not the slightest bit poetic. Very practical. Now where are my ugg boots to pad around in on my "run" by the creek?