I (GNARLY BLEEDING HEART) HUCKABEE?

WHAT?! What did I just say? I said what? Aside from his homophobic hate speak, his evangelical Dems-killed-Jesus attitude, wildly anti-evolution crotch groping, and general all-around-douchebaggery, I'm struck dumbfounded by the quality (yea, verily liberal-y-ness!) of Mike Huckabee's tax plan [which he, of course, will never, ever get the opportunity to explore... poor, sad, bastard that he is].

Who wants to talk politics on a Monday? Well not even me. However, I would like to give credit where Steven E. Landsberg told me to. "Abolish all ye, the Income Tax!," proclaimeth Mike, "And thou shalt collect only sales tax!" OK? OK, I say. Why not? You want to piss your hard-earned cash away on Jewel albums? Go right ahead! We'll use your tax bucks to build libraries (where you can listen to Jewel albums for free, you dipshit!)!

Sounds a bit like a flat tax, though doesn't it (also not at all my original thought. I steal from smart people)? Now hear this.

Fuck. That. Shit.

You need milk, cereal, bread, PB&J? Cool. 4 bucks. You want Lifelike Imported Italian Silk/Silicone Fellatio Attachments for your new Mercedes? Right on, brotha! Help yourself (and cough up the 25% sales tax on luxury goods I'm goan' levy on yo' ass, you sick son of a bitch!). Why? Well, might as well charge a little extra for all that groovy consumption that leads to ALL of us getting generally shit on by the vengeful climate gods, not to mention the pissed-off masses of motherfuckers sick of building useless USB gadgets for our dumb asses at a whopping 8 cents a pop. "Party hard, pay the piper," so my grandmother used to say.

Shit, the city knows exactly how much my house is worth. Why don't they grade... oh I dunno... the taxes on my energy bill based on my home's value (or square footage, or how many dirty hippies we have crammed in everywhere, etc., etc.). Neat-o! Or better yet, cut me a .5% sales tax break on domestic goods vs. imported, blow past all those silly tariff laws (and 100 or so years of economic theory), and put the decision in the hands of the consumer! 1% sales tax break on green products? WHAAA?? OMG, OMFG, Mom!

Bring on the black market I say. Sure, no one likes an anarchist, but if you're clever/desperate/bored enough to start trading on the black market, chances are you're not in the best financial position anyway. Good for you, you clever, little entrepreneurs, you. If you can afford the Auto-fellatio device described above, chances are you can afford the sales tax (and let's be perfectly frank with each other, if you find yourself with the afore-mentioned Auto-fellatio products, I'll bet dollars to donuts you're getting all the tax-free black market coke and whores you can get your hands on! Unless you're claiming all that as a business expense, then die, die, die you slimy fuck! GAWD, it feels good to be an American!). If you can afford expensive shit, you ain't gonna drive into the city to score your Christian Louboutins from a Puerto Rican guy with a van in an alleyway. (1. that's a slight against anyone who gets her look from "The Hills," not Puerto Ricans, and 2. don't ask me how I, of all people, know fuck all about Christian Louboutin or The Hills).

I'm sure this exactly how Mike Huckabee would have explained it, given the chance. Still, as I watch the agonizingly slow ticks of the clock, I feel I should spend the time to give some examples of my (stolen, unoriginal) stance on this form of taxation.

-Generic food products (i.e. substitute goods): 1%
-Bottled water: 10%
-Whiskey: 0.5%
-All Apple products: 25%
-Tasteful, high-class pornography: 1%
-Books: 0%
-Jewel CDs: 40%
-Anything from L.L. Bean: 45%
-Coke: 1%
-Whores: 1%
-Ugg boots: 80% - 90%
-"Product": 45%
-"Us Weekly," "Teen People," or any such publication: 90%

Thorsten Veblen, eat your fucking heart out. Happy Monday, Bitches! Oh yea, and screw Mike Huckabee.

(special neck rub for D today.)