i went out drinkin' last night and left my car at work, so i took the T this morning, a normally benign and anal sex-free experience for me, but something very unexpected happened: i nearly had to fuck a stranger in the ass on my way to work today.

the red line's crowded just before 8 and, despite the searing heat of satanfire that you'd think would make people turn reluctantly to their cars for a luscious taste of A/C, the train was jam packed with sweaty, adhesive, pissed-off commuters leg-humping me like wild dogs. fortunately it's only 3 stops to work, so i didn't trip on it too hard.

i was standing in the middle of the car when we pulled into my stop, so i started wiggling my way through the crowd, trying to displace rather than force people out of the way. suddenly, an older gentleman in probably his mid 40s began to bake the smallest, most ornate cake between his toes... or fucking tie his shoes in increasingly elaborate knots... or fucking fine-tune the fucking gears on some fucking precision time piece down there. how the fuck should i know? all's i know is that there was a slightly-above-average-sized man's ass between me and daylight as he bent clean over at the waist in front of me like some terrifyingly khaki ass-barricade.

i began to worry.

with no space to the left or right and the departure bell ringing away, i was faced with a unique question: do i miss my stop and ride the train until nightfall, or do i close my eyes and walk myself straight into a stranger's smirking asscheeks?

thinking quickly, i grabbed a young asian woman and, using her as a shield, surged forward through the thick piles of flesh to precious freedom just as the doors snapped shut behind me. it was a close call, and i pissed a lot of people off, but hey...

at least i didn't have to fuck a stranger in the ass on my way to work this morning. i can't think of a more distasteful way to start a day.

1 comment:

killerbravs said...

1. your buttsex on the commute is right up there with my confrontation with chilean neo-nazis on the metro. a swastika. a chilean flag. a bald head. what they're version of "chile for chileans" or an ideal race is i have no idea, considering that chile is a purtty cocktail of spanish and indigenous folk.
2. 97% of the 2003 graduating class graduated with honors at harvard. the 3% who couldn't cut honors at harvard should've gone to yale instead.
3. dude, much much MUCH respect for mentioning the greatness of "blue crush" on your blog. i saw it three times a day for three weeks on cable last summer and as one dude told another dude while they were working out in a gym (overhead and later told to me by jen)--"there's nothing wrong with it." though you worship kb for her bod, i appreciate having a flicka about chicks who can surf.