9.30.2005

HMMM....

does Lamaze work for anything besides giving birth? i awoke with the image of a well-dressed, successful, adult male huffing "HEEE HEEE WHOOOOO" through a tax audit. cracks me up....

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9.29.2005

ASS: THE GATEWAY DRUG

now, it's no secret that i'm a patron of the sex-industry blogs. not pornography, necessarily, but those devoted to enacting social change through leveraging the multi-billion dollar sex industry. good for them.

and i just read an article titled "Ass: The Gateway Drug" that nearly made me shit my pants, i laughed so hard.

maybe on another night i wouldn't be in such a great mood, but three monumental things happened on this special day:

1) the sox pulled off one of the greatest wins i've seen since the ALCS in '04
2) i made the decision to get shitfaced directly following the game, and
3) i suddenly discovered i had a microbiology test due at midnight tonight

number 3 might seem a bit out of place, and i'll admit i was a 200lb ball of stress for a minute there, until i aced that motherfucker in exactly 18 fucking seconds without ever having shown up for class while drunk off my sweet, czech-italian-irish ass.

shabbat shalom, motherfuckers.

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OMG, OMFG

david ortiz. fucking david ortiz. seriously. are you kidding me? i mean, RUFKM?

and yea i look to the west, and on the great spines of titans rose the race of man who took the thunder and transformed clouds into great fireballs of flashing energy, and on their fingertips brewed swirling storms of doom for those that cast their eyes to the ground when the Mighty shook the pillars of man's world. i looked up to the sky and was rewarded with the faces of ten score glimmering angels smiling down on my pitiful race; they reached down from the multitude and, lo, great beams of light pierced my body, and i was transformed into a shining ball of joy at the mention of What Was to Come.

that shit makes me hard, man, i mean that shit fucking rocks my fucking world. hooo yea!

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FUN WITH STRANGERS!

i think a really neat way to meet people is to walk up to them and say, "hi there, i'm ____ and i'm crap in bed!"

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9.28.2005

ADIOS, FUCK-O

anyone taking bets as to how long it'll take tom delay to weasel and slime his way out of (clearly legitimate) charges of conspiracy? or will the president bail him out? or will we just forget the whole thing, like when carl rove illegally revealed Valerie Plame's CIA affiliation?

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY (AND SUCH)

extra happy birthday to Pete today!!

and special thanks to Ryan, Andrew, Amy, Colby, Hillary, and Kate for getting me just barely drunk tonight and reminding me that this particular university is missing the spirit of nudity instilled by my last citadel of education. this is something i plan to remedy. take cover, california!

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9.27.2005

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE

i'm not one to foster ill relationships with the elderly, but today i was pushed just a little too far.

...Renteria just doubled to score Damon and Graffaninio... the sun rises in the East...

first off, one could argue that these past few days have been a little difficult for me, and i'm in no mood to fuck around, but the gauntlet landed squarely at my feet while i was minding my sweet nevermind in a small library on campus.

...Papi singles to drive Renteria in for his 143rd RBI, and NY is down by 4 in the 3rd... birds sing in the morning light...

I may have spoken 10 words to a woman in one of my classes, desperately trying to sort through my disastrous conflagration of a devolving class schedule, when i'm approached by an eerily-fast moving old woman who catches me off guard. "if you're going to talk, you're going to have to find somewhere else to do it. these people can't work if you're going to talk so loudly."

funny, i thought. i've been here the longest, and i've watched these two people sitting next to me, the ONLY other people in the place, check their email for exactly 10 seconds apiece. i'm certain the three of us could sort this out.

but, my Midwest sensibility kept me from tearing into this poor, old woman. "i'm very sorry," i whispered, "sometimes my voice carries an-"

"there are places outside where you can talk," she interrupted.
"yes, i know i'm sorry. i'll go th-." she cut me off again. i was beginning to lose my temper.
"we have those places here, you know."

i felt like it was a good time to leave; i had no patience for police interviews, and i was in no mood to have a confession beaten out of me. i stood up politely and sunk into a deeply hidden kiosk in the middle of the library. about 10 minutes later, while silently reading my book, minding my sweet nevermind, i spy this same woman down a long aisle of periodicals. "they're in the store room, rita!" she yells to the other side of the library, 50 feet away.

my toes curled with pleasure. ho ho!

then she saw me and froze, like, deer-in-headlights froze. i raised one taught finger to my lips, leaned forward, and let a looooong, slooow "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" pour from my mouth like a full pot of scalding hot coffee.

...Damon singles to score Mueller... angels shower good cheer on the people of earth...

though it was dark, i could see the crimson rise in her bubblegum face. after she had cleared out, i rose triumphantly and strode out of the library. the king of that particular motherfucking castle.

i know it's bad karma, but sometimes even and old woman needs a swift kick in the ass.

...Renteria is 3 for 3... be still my beating heart... i'll be damned if it still doesn't pump that dirty water...

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9.25.2005

PS

thinking about Boston finishing up the season against NY at Fenway this weekend is making my entire fucking decade. hooo-yea.

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WAX ON, WAX OFF

after the unpleasantness at the Safeway, i stopped to fill up on gas. As i watched the price sprint upwards, i couldn't help but think about what it had taken me to earn the money that was pouring into the gas tank. one hour of work... one hour of overtime... two hours of work...

in my mind i could suddenly see all the things i've gained and lost as some horrible equation of winding and unraveling; have i been living a zero sum game all this time? how terrifying it must be to think that, no matter the circumstances, there will always be a loss that nullifies each gain, that 'wax on, wax off' is not only funny, but true in a died-in-a-car-accident-his-first-time-behind-the-wheel way.

strange days....

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OH THIS WILD AND STRANGE PLACE

i got into it with a yankee fan today in the Safeway parking lot. he started it. i noticed him on my way out, he was wearing a NY shirt with 'Ruth' printed on the back and i, in my Boston cap, gave him the nod of 'ahoy, friend! our passion for the game unites us!' to which he replied, 'Red Sox suck,' without a hint of humor or irony.

oh they suck? thought i, just like your taste in women? making note of the bulbous she-demon walking along side my newest nemesis, though a quick analysis of the man's physical stature and my own disadvantage of being burdened with armloads of groceries told me perhaps the thought was best kept inside my head rather than out.

he escaped with a tacit warning from my smoldering eyes that beamed, 'your behavior degrades both you and the team you claim to support, should we happen upon each other again, i will be more than willing to deal you out a stiff thrashing. until that day, sir!'

strange days, indeed....

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9.19.2005

ONLY TOOK TWO DAYS BEFORE THE FINGERNAILS MET WITH THEIR UNTIMELY DEMISE

i was feeling a bit overwhelmed and unhappy today so, as a natural instinct, i drove myself to whole foods for some comfort food. unfortunately, as i was about to discover, shopping at a strange whole foods is a lot like being cared for by a new babysitter: you never know what to expect when you turn a corner, the menu for dinner is subject to change at any minute, and you're left feeling confused and dehydrated when you awake the next morning.

on second thought, that analogy might only apply to my unique childhood experience but, nevertheless, i think you get the point.

well-tested and proven grocery stores promote a healthy, aggressive shopping agenda, because one always arrives with a plan, and the familiarity of one's surroundings provides the home-field-advantage required for swift success. shopping at an unfamiliar grocery store, however, is a lot like jerking off with your left hand; it takes waaaaay too long, and you're left feeling like maybe you should have just gotten take-out.

once again, my unique childhood experience may be spoiling my objectivity...

but i digress.

i came home, ate goat cheese and pretzels, cooked sweet and sour lemongrass soup with jumbo prawns, drank sam adams, and watched the daily show. it was as close to home as i could rig it. tomorrow morning i get to meet a bunch of kids that share my grand delusion that more education will somehow make me a better person.

i've considered showing up high.

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9.18.2005

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE OF CHEYENNE I BEGAN TO HALLUCINATE

ladies and gentlemen, like many great travelers and explorers from William Lewis (Will Clark was a little bitch) to every dirty, haky-sack playing, frisbee ("Bee")-hucking, trustafarian-turned-dot-commer in silicon valley, i have finally arrived in California. the journey west, however, was not the wild, sex-doused road trip glorified by the movie of that same name; mine was much less exciting and much more... i might say "painful" for simplicity sake.

i began to hallucinate, if you'll recall, somewhere around Cheyenne, but certainly my agony neither began, nor ended in that desolate Wyoming town.

-in Rockford i started to question the majesty of the Westward-Ho! movement, but i still maintained a cautious sense of optimism.

-somewhere around Des Moines i realized there was really no turning back in this little endeavor of mine, a fact that crept over my soul with the icy fingers of terror once i learned the truth: corn is dumb.

-when we finally reached Omaha, Nebraska, the seeds of a rather nasty and irritating brain tumor took root in my memory and emotional nuclei. i know this because, 200 miles into that horrid, god-forsaken state, i began to wish that i were still in Iowa. i longed for the sweeping vistas and jagged peaks of Iowa.

-crossing the border into Wyoming, constant and violent shivers overtook my weakened body, and i noticed ghostly clouds of eerie light appearing randomly on the side of the road, forcing me to swerve fiercely to avoid collision as they darted in front of the car.

-200 miles outside of Salt Lake City, i contracted Lupus.

-i did manage to see a rather breathtaking sunrise over a sprawling sulfur mine 275 from Reno. "i would be remiss if i didn't compliment Nevada on it's magnificent vistas," i remarked.
"i am in total agreement with you, dawg," replied Benjamin Franklin, and passed me the barbecue-flavored sunflower seeds.

-crossing through the Donner Pass into California, i made the grievous but necessary decision to eat Benjamin Franklin's lifeless corpse. years later i would defend my actions by declaring, "with averted eyes and trembling hand, pieces of flesh were severed from the inanimate form and laid upon the coals. it was the very refinement of torture to taste such food, yet those who tasted lived...." in my book, Why I Ate Ben Franklin, which would stay on the New York Times best-seller list for 18 weeks.

-i awoke from a diabetic coma in the bay area, unable to taste salt and only able to speak in the gerund tense... or rather i was only able to participate in the speaking of the gerund tense. i was also an apprentice in a 15th century Venetian metalsmithing shop.

fortunately, the immensity of our little expedition tipped the scales at a paltry 37 hours, and we arrived promptly at 6pm...

...at which time i was told (and i'm not making this up) that there was no record of any arrangement made between me and the apartment building to which i had been assigned.

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9.12.2005

MY ULTIMATE FANTASY

i've discovered my most ultimate and sinful fantasy: i want to gather together all the girls from MTV's My Super Sweet 16, line them up neatly, and then punch each and every one of them directly in the face.

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9.11.2005

PERV POWER!

now this is exactly what i've been talking about all this time.

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DIE, SPAM, DIE!

sorry folks, you will have to pass a human-readable verification system to post on my blog now. fucking auto-spammers have ruined all my harmless, little fun. die, die, die!

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ENTER THE DRAGON

so i'm driving along by the lake yesterday, driving along, la la la la, enjoying a quiet pleasant day, just miiiiidin' my own business, driving up s. main street like i've done a million times before, driving along, making that gentle left turn by the water treatment plant, when all of a sudden, BAM! ninjas everywhere.

imagine my surprise.

the quiet lawns on both sides of the street were littered with men and women dressed in black ninja uniforms fighting with wooden swords. i quickly went through a simple psychological test i happened to have in my glove compartment to determine if, in fact, i had left this dimension and arrived in one of the earlier scenes of Enter the Dragon (you know, the part where Bruce Lee gets the tour of the island and there are all those ninjas training in the courtyard?) but, yea verily, i had not left this dimension, and ninjas were, in fact, training on the grassy knoll down by the lakeshore. i found myself filled with an uncomfortable sense of awe and the fear that perhaps we had reached a point in our history in which--owing to the unraveling of our military dominance and the ever-shittening of our foreign policy--we had regressed to a feudal system of land ownership, and it was now necessary for titled landowners to maintain private armies of well-trained, fatally loyal samuri.

on the other hand, i also felt a strange sense of comfort in the fact that i could now, deep down in my heart, believe that somewhere in this world there were, indeed, ninjas training en masse in some grassy courtyard. ahhhh....

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9.06.2005

RENO 911

jesus fucking christ, can i just tell you how miserable i am right now? i mean honestly, what the fuck?

...not like ian curtis "ice age" miserable, just more like the very end of "all over the world" pixies miserable...

a whole fistfull of suck finally caught up with me today, so i think i'll get mucho drunk-o and watch Reno 911 until the weee hours of the morning. but it's not like me to be miserable; misery is so distasteful when there are so many other things to revel in, such as my new 6'3" St. Croix extra-fast action fishing rod...

...or porn.

and my all-time favorite movie line (aside from, first you have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka): "he wouldn't know a good idea if it bit him in the pachanga." what does that even mean?

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I KNOW YOU WEREN'T THE ONE WHO GOT BABY IN TROUBLE

i dreamed last night that i was singing I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man with Prince on stage at First Ave.... i also got the feeling Jerry Orbach was in the audience.

perhaps this is my little glimpse of heaven...

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