COME ON, BLEED

Oh, it's so nice when they tell you they're dating again. It's even better when they tell you how many dates they've had, and with whom. I did, however, think it was perhaps unnecessary to drop that knowledge and expect me to pick up the check. Not cool. But hey, that's how it goes. C'mon bleed for me, baby.

Not that I, myself, have been a perfect angel. I can't help it if I'm a cuddle whore.

Thanks to the hot hot heat we've been pumping into the atmosphere, California has become ironically cold this winter. I am a skinny skinny man so, in lieu of gaining several pounds, it would seem the only logical countermeasure would be to find a warm heterosexual with which to adjoin myself. Perhaps this is why on several occasions I've been labeled "Cuddle Whore."

The roots of this terrible affliction spring up from my years in the Midwest, when the only acceptable form of "coeducation" was watching a movie in your parents' basement under a blanket. Keeping warm during the dark days of winter is more about self-preservation than anything else, so it would seem perfectly natural for a 9th grader to share air with another warm body--which, of course, would ultimately lead to hand-holding and making out (in later years, getting "felt up," dry humping, and in the end, genital-to-genital unclothed heavy petting. Cheeky me, I went to private school).

It would seem only natural, therefore, that I would associate cuddling (or "snuggling," alternatively) with pleasant childhood memories. And, yes, in case you had any doubt, I consider genital-to-genital unclothed heavy petting a fond childhood memory. Me and Mark Foley. ZING!

I also suspect there are many of you out there who also enjoy cuddling, sex or no sex. Why not, then, launch a network of "Cuddlers in Your Area," where local cuddle whores can meet local cuddle... "Johns?" Am I working this metaphor properly? Surely there must be just as many people out there wanting to be cuddled as there are those needing to cuddle.

I imagine some sort of form one would fill out to make the process easier:

Check all that apply:
1a) Cuddle Whore
1b) Cuddle John

2a) Big Spoon
2b) Little Spoon

3a) Shoulder Circles
3b) No Shoulder Circles

And so on. I believe this world would be so much better if, on those rare occasions you just want to "chill out and watch a movie tonight," you could summon up your cuddling partner for some heat exchange. It would be a free service, but paying members could get their own big, snuggly, fleecy blanket for the low price of $24.99.

P.S. Not prostitution!

Update: I, apparently, am not nearly as creepy creative as I thought. Thanks Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski for your boundary-appropriate workshops. Keep reaching for that rainbow!