THE PAST

i can remember about 4 or 5 years along the way where it was pretty touch-and-go. it's no secret to anyone who knew me then that i had a 'unique' family experience growing up; not bad in the classical sense of, you know, alcoholism and abuse, but not what you might call 'pleasant.' (a few of you lucky punters got to witness this first hand... lucky you!) there were times when it was pretty bad, when i would come home from school, walk up to my room and not leave until the next morning... usually this happened in 3 or 4 month blocks of time... just trying to be as invisible as possible; never saying a word to anyone, never seeing another person. on the other hand, i figured it was better than the alternative: when things were going well i was only waiting for them to fall apart anyway. from when i was about 12 to about 17, my father and i probably spent about 10 good days together when we were together at all. then i left for college, and things calmed down and we started to get along again... pretty well actually. one day i got angry and brought up the fact that i thought he was a shitty father through most of those years (yes, obviously, that's a stupid stupid destructive thing to do, but gimme a break, i was all about the repression back then... luckily i've changed, right? right?). i succeeded in pissing him off because what the hell was he supposed to say anyway? that he was sorry? well, i pushed him into it. but you can't erase all that with a 'fine, i'm sorry, ok?' and you can't ask someone to just apologize for something like that. it wasn't real.

then one day he took me aside and told me about his father, and how he drank and beat his wife, and how he ignored my dad for most of his life. it was dad's way of saying he was sorry he made so many mistakes along the way, and why he didn't know how to be a role model. at that point, his apology became real to me. i love my dad, and i can imagine how shitty it was for him when he was a kid, so i forgive him; he made his penance long before i did.

of course this all happened a long time ago and hasn't come up since- it's just one tiny example that reminds me to let all that shit stay and die in the past; to start clean again. if you don't, these things will haunt you like demons every goddamn day of your life.

everyone has some silly bullshit to deal with; something that seems important in the short term - i'd just rather we'd all suck it up and went out of our way to show people we're sorry for what we've done. there's a careless irresponsibility blowing in the trees these days, like the ripples in the pool cease to exist when they reach the tips of our fingers. our collective attention span shortens by the day, and our focus is beginning to narrow. i believe i've done my best to reach out beyond my own limits, speak to and treat people in a meaningful way, and put myself on the line when it mattered. so far you've all made me believe it's been worth it.

now quit being so touchy-feely. i'm sick of all this emotional trash. go out, get drunk, and have sex with the largest person you can find. buck like a rodeo cowboy, and wave your hat triumphantly in the air while you do it. fuck yea.