NORCAL HALLOWEEN

Halloween in Northern California is a strange time. Sometimes the oddity is a little subtle, and it takes eagle eyes, like mine, to spot the nuance.

I'm still feeling a little sick from the weekend, so I wisely chose not to head into the Castro last night. Only, like, 8 people got shot, so I guess I missed a good time. I also traded in my tickets to the Exotic Erotic Ball (wait until no one's looking to follow that breadcrumb), which I am now regretting. I'm a little vanilla for that scene, but I sure am a man who knows what he wants.

(hint: it's breasts.)

Instead I went to a winery for a Halloween party this weekend. I have no class. When it's free, I drink too much. I lust for genital-to-genital unclothed heavy petting (the one and only phrase I have yet to purge from my 7th grade SexEd lexicon). Why I was invited to an upscale shindig like this one, I couldn't say. Perhaps it's because I tend to smooch up on the older ladies? (Thanks for the slowdance, Donna, you stone cold fox, you).

Maybe it's because I dream that strange dream in which I charm a disgustingly wealthy older couple into letting me marry their daughter and live out the rest of my days as a trophy husband. (P.S. nowhere in the thick of my "scruples" dictionary is this practice prohibited. In fact, it's on my lifetime "To Do" list between "Start a Beautiful and Healthy Family" and "Play Air Hockey with David Bowie").

Then again, I provide an invaluable public service at my job for which I get paid 10% of the average income for this area (remember when "VC" didn't mean "venture capital," Donnie? Interesting...). But, I won't pretend I don't enjoy the irony of seeing those loser, D&D, renaissance fair, computer geeks drive around in Ferraris with way, way too hot women, soaking up all the envy they never found in gym class. They look at me as if to say:

who's the (nasal spray left, sniff) loser, now (nasal spray right, sniff)?

Fair play, gentlemen, live the dream. I'm gunning for your daughters, so please sit up and pay attention.

Too soon for Viet Cong jokes?