BECKS

There has been a decent amount of flurry concerning the recent and extravagant trade of 250 million American dollars for David Beckham (distributed in various ways), the world's most recognizably androgynous soccer star (in deference to our own terminology, I'll use the globally-popular term 'football' in place of 'soccer' to appear more worldly and such. To avoid confusion, I'll refer to American football as 'gay rugby' for clarity). The last person to hold the title "Most Ridiculously Paid Athlete in America," A-Rod, gets an extra hug from his (gold-plated) therapist tonight, since it'll take him just under 10 years total to collect his .25 billion dollars, while Becks'll cash all of his cheques in 5. Poor, poor A-Rod.

You have to ask yourself if it's worth it. I'm inclined to say yes, given the plight of the American footballer and the rotten in-house farm teams that support our surprisingly decent national team.

Some make the argument the US cannot support a decent football program without a stellar World Cup performance. Many critics, myself included, cite the wildly unexpected victory over Mexico in '02 as a crowning moment for our nation's potential as an eventual contender. Of course, and equal number of people are quick to discount the USA's performance in '06 as business as usual, forgetting the ludicrous and downright criminal use of penalties (a disgusting 28 red cards and and mind-boggling 345 yellow cards) in that travesty of a tournament. Lest we forget, a record number of matches in the '06 World Cup were decided by shoot-outs (4) as well, making '06 the most confusing tourney in years. In a word, the US team just got themselves a little screwed this time. So, OK, maybe World Cup performance shouldn't dictate MLS success.

Angeleans aren't shy about their football, though. Last year the Galaxy drew 92,000 spectators for one regular season game, attendance that would make even the SEC drool. Obviously the time is right to bring in superstar European players (or overdue, depending on your opinion of intra-league American competition shaping international players). Superstar players mean bigger ticket receipts, regardless of how they perform. If you don't believe me, just ask any SF Giants fan.

Also, unlike Franz Beckenbauer and Pele who came to the US to die instead of play football, Beckham has some good years left in him (presumably). He's popular, and he can still ball (by US standards), so I applaud the Galaxy's choice in spending the green to bring him to LA.

Still, I've heard nothing besides "oh, do you hear Posh and Becks are moving to LA??" "Really?! OHMYGOD he's SOOO hot!" for the last two days. Clearly my friends a) don't know shit about soccer (FEUT-bol) and b) are retarded. OK, I don't know shit about the football either, but I know I shouldn't pay $250 million for someone just because they remind me of Orlando Bloom (skills notwithstanding, of course). I'd respond with: "do you guys even know what sport he plays?" But I'd be met with, "He plays for the British Soccer team*, DUH! (OHMYGOD he's SOOOOOOO hot!)." And then I'd say, "(thud thud thud)" because I'd be banging my head against the table.

I once posed the question, "Why Beckham? Aren't there better players out there?" just to hear a contrary opinion, but I was voted off the island.

One of my braver comrades replied with, "David Beckham is the greatest soccer player of this generation, hands down."

To which I countered, "OK, but what about, say the Brazilians? Like, don't they have some good players, too? And, you know, Michael Owen would be a good choice as well (and, hell, Shearer had some good days) if you want to stick to the Brits. What about those guys? And Zidane? Anybody remember that guy? He's pretty good, too, right?"

Then, as if sensing my head-pain fading away, someone says, "Owen and Beckham? That's like comparing Babe Ruth to Mark McGwire!" (It was a girl).

To which I could only counter with a good old fashioned, "Do I... like... um... hit you now?" look of complete and utter puzzlement. US football fans, like the MLS itself, are also in their infancy it would seem.

Anyway, if there's one good thing Brand Becks brings to the US it's drawing attention to MLS. It needs it, and he can give it (heyooo!), so I'm all for it. Especially since it ain't my $250 million. But if you think I'm treating David Beckham unfairly, go ahead and read this for yourself and tell me how harsh I am.

*yup, you guessed it. There is no "British Soccer team." Good for you!

Special thanks to PIA and Zapo for their wise wise wisdom.