1.31.2007

WHAT MAKES A MAN?

I had intended to post the following as a comment on someone else's blog, but I got on one of my big-bright-shooting-star rants and I just couldn't let this one live as a footnote. (Also, I think I further my crusade by boorishly hogging the limelight, no matter how pale or dim).

Context: what is 'feminine' style? Is the term derogatory? If so, how deep the tragedy we've come to believe so! (Also, I was challenged to a Scotch fight. Oh no you di'in't).

Oh but how you misunderstand! You have to contrast my own “masculine” writing style, wherein I write pages and pages on the State of My Penis, with your own red-meaty-yet refined style. “What’s Up With My Penis Today”, by definition, would be considered “masculine” writing. Therefore, also by definition, “feminine” style would be unfettered by such obsessions as “constantly trying to get laid.” Once again I prove my own sad, depressing point with my penis… so difficult to avoid these mishaps.

Feminine is not weak and passive! Feminine is graceful, subtle, clever, and nuanced; masculine tends to be more homo-erotic and socially awkward (Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?). Bill O’Rilley? Rush Limbaugh? Sean Hannity? George W? Masculine. Wanna come play some grab-ass with us?

You know what’s really offensive? Chick-lit.

Furthermore, I brush my teeth with scotch. I put scotch on bagels. I soak my contact lenses in scotch when I go to bed. Know what makes my tears taste less bitter? If you said “scotch” you just won yourself a new penis scotch. I rub it into my feet when I’ve had a hard day. Put a little dab behind the ears before I go to weddings. You will not usurp my love affair with scotch. No ma’am.

Now that’s recognition of emotion.

And if, by some cosmic travesty, I have not proven this point, please oh please click here, but NOT at work.

P.S. not porn.

4 comments:

do you know? said...

oh, but don't you see that you are setting up a false dichotomy, my friend? that by claiming that one type of writing or behavior is masculine and that the other is, by default, the "opposite" categorization of feminine, you are simply reifying gender as it is posited to exist in our society?

i expected more from you.

R said...

You're right. You're so right. I write like a white guy. I'm so ashamed.

Paul said...

kiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooop.

ps
how? howwwwwww? neutered man escapes. Read the script.

Anonymous said...

all i can say is that choda boy has the best job.. its like the vice president.. not in the spotlight, but just as important as the pres.. DVDA is the key. nice post R - I have you mind for the next stallion i need for my show.