NUKE THE BELGIANS

Mike Gallagher, the host of the conservative talk radio show that keeps my heart beating in the morning, is out today (most likely patrolling the border in an air-conditioned Hummer, firing his rifle in the air, cursing liberals like me [Mexicans, A-rabs, Barak "HOOO-SANE" Obama, hippies, queers, Jim Webb, hump-backed whales, Barbie, Ben, Jerry, etc.], and homoerotically chest-bumping his Boss Hogg doppleganger chauffeur as their clammy jowls redden and slicken with flop sweat, soaking through matching American Flag cravats). Therefore, I'm graced with his stand-in today, a worthless pile of a man who can't help but prove time and time again that he used to get beat up as a kid for milk money (but no more! No sir!).

This man is not funny. I say this only because it would be easy to think he is, by nature, a facetious person, and his comments are not serious. For clarity, I assure you they are serious. This is what he offered for his hungry listeners this morning:

"Why doesn't the U.S. just send in some tactical nukes to wipe out Tehran?"

I cast my pillow girlfriend, Katya, aside (whom I had been fondling in peace before hearing this horrifying comment), slammed my face into some 14th century swords I keep on the nightstand just to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and pumped up the volume on the radio to see if I had heard correctly. I had.

He had been yelling at Dinesh D'Souza (the author of The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11) for being too liberal (!), and offered the "nuke Tehran" strategy as an alternative to diplomacy. My brain, fighting to maintain the logic circuits years upon years of hard-fought education had forged, could not handle the sheer douchebaggery that snapped, popped, fizzled the fine, diaphanous network in my head, and I passed out in a twitching, foaming heap.

Unfortunately my roommate, accustomed to seeing me in such a state on a Friday morning, did not realize what had happened.

In my tormented slumber, I dreamed of a world in which the US actually nuked Tehran and then, of course, had to nuke everyone else because they were so pissed at us. Wild specters of extinguished wonders sailed away into the annals of eternity, never to be seen again, beginning with this sad eponymous blog title:

1. Really good waffles
2. Munich - Three way tie: Beer, Porn, Football
3. Phnom Penh - Angkor Wat, Dead Kennedys
4. Madrid - Tapas, Hemingway memorabilia
5. Ankara - Hagia Sophia, Elaborate bathing, They Might Be Giants songs
6. Moscow - Nesting dolls, Root-based cuisine, Feel-good 80's movies
7. Paris - Easy exchange students, Sass
8. Brasilia - Bossa Nova, The "landing strip"
9. New Delhi - Vast biological and cultural treasures, Tech support, Temple of Doom
10. Stockholm - Bikini team, Ikea
11. Rome - Spiritual guidance for millions of Christians worldwide, Shoes
12. London - (Salt + Vinegar), Newcastle United, Flags, Princes doing bumps of coke in the hills

I awoke to a beautiful planet where all these things, in one form or another, still exist. What a wonderful world to wake up to. Aside from the douchebaggery, of course. Alas, I shall continue to fight the good fight every day to protect the greatest gift of all: my belief in the rationality of our elected leaders collection of Russian nesting dolls.