ages ago, the authors of the christian bible (and a number of other religious texts, but hey... why start acknowledging other religions now?) recognized the need to remind us all that god is a vengeful god, and that we shall live in constant fear of his wrath. among the more colorful plagues to be visited upon all of mankind ('mankind' being 'egypt' historically, but i think we can all accept the ALLEGORICAL significance of this story, no? no? goooooood morning alabama!), i have listed the following (god's order, not mine):

1. water turning to blood
2. frogs raining down from the sky
5. livestock falling down dead in the fields
8. swarms of angry locusts
9. endless darkness

fortunately, the modern age (and S.C. Johnson Wax Inc. a-boo-ya.) have provided us ample insulation from such plagues. God, sensing the wiggity-wackness of our lazy complacency, has gotten 'hip' to our new way of life, and found new ways to torture the people of egy... uh.... earth.
consulting the new dominant religion of this here great nation, the media, i find the following six plagues already in progress (with my own comments added to the mix; i just couldn't resist):

1. CNN, 1:26 "...In the world of celebrities and those who love them, the Jennifer Aniston-Brad Pitt breakup was like the fall of the Berlin Wall..." (hmmmmmmm.... the end of permissive, cold war-fueled nuclear arms stockpiling policies or a divorce between two heterosexuals? you be the judge)

2. Reuters, 4:13 "...An American and a British television company found a creative way around the ban on cameras in the courtroom for Michael Jackson's child-molestation trial: dramatic re-enactments..." (sing with me now! leeeeeeegal... oh, leeeeeegal sy-sy-system, [sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong]... et tu, OJ? doesn't anyone fucking remember the Thriller album?)

3. PeopleOnline, 27:4 "...Star Jones: TV Star, Not Attorney..." (and to think, this whole time i thought....)

4. AP, 3:17 "...Jessica Simpson Speaks of Brad-Jen Split: Following news of the split between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston after four and a half years together, Jessica Simpson,...told Access Hollywood: 'Any marriage is tough. You go through struggles and it's work. You have to make it happen.'" (good point there. oh, three words, jess: tuna or chicken? i'll stick with Dr. Phil... dear satan, though i fought a good fight, you have clearly bested my efforts. well played, sir, well played...)

5. AnnCoulter.org, 3:48 "...Liberals Love America Like O.J. Loved Nicole..." (seriously, go visit this site: AnnCoulter.org. laughed so hard, liiiiiiittle bit of pee came out. this woman's my new pet project.)

yes, dear friends, deep down in my heart i believe god is angry with us... either that or he's very, very tired... because of jerry falwell.

and while i have your attention, i would like to say that i really like Ted Kennedy. rock on, brother. [i was chatting with someone the other day, and he mentioned he really hated that Ted Kennedy!" I asked why, and he replied, "because Ted Kennedy's a big drunk bastard!" then i asked if TK had ever been arrested for drunk driving in the 1970's. that did the trick.]

ohhh, it's been such a loooooong, great week with Pete in town, but sadly he's gone. lucky for you, now that i'm sorely lacking in my social life, i'm free to provide you with what promises to be a good, solid 5 minutes of entertainment. first i will sleep for 12 hours straight without chemical enhancement. huzzah!


reg said...

Hey, don't mess with jess.

neilio said...

If you can stomach Ann Coulter for longer than .0035 seconds, you are a better, stronger, and more handsome man than I.

And no ragging on J-Wax. That company helped subsidize our secondary education in an elliptical, cherokee red, transom-windowed environment.

reckless said...

i'd fuck ann coulter, just so she'd have to think twice before she ever said that immigrants are screwing america.

reckless said...

oh, i'd also fuck jessica simpson, jennifer aniston, and probably brad pitt, but only because i respect him as an actor with nice abs.