THE MATHEMATICS OF ROCK

i figured it out... i was musing about why bass players in all-girl bands are so hot, like you do, and it hit me: it's simple mathematics. take, for instance, your classic punk rock configuration, one guitar, one drummer, one bass player, in which the guitar player is required to have the largest portion of the talent... say 5/9 of the talent... 7/9 of the talent if she doubles as the singer, the drummer must have at least 2/9 of the talent (because, of course, she uses both hands), leaving anywhere between 0/9 and 2/9 of the talent for the bass player. and, unfortunately for them, nobody really hears the bass anyway so the proportion of talent generally hovers around 0 for the low end. mmmmmmmkay. one of life's greatest ironies is that talent is inversely proportional to good looks (for examples, see Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson... um some dudes that are good looking... whatever, use your imagination, i've been drinking), so we can deduce that the guitar player must be the homely-est of lookers, the drummer 7-beer-fuckable, and the wild card for the bass player. The guitar player chosen for her musical skill, the drummer for her ability to not fuck up counting, and the bass player for her sex appeal. voila. as a bass player myself i can tell you that this rule also applies to all male or co-ed bands, because frankly i couldn't find my own ass with two hands and... some sort of.... ass.... finding.... device. whatever. but i'm pretty easy on the eyes if i do say so myself.

oh and can i just tell you that while waiting for my roommate to grab his coat and hat i just happened to turn on "entrapment" to the exact sequence where the camera coyly fixates on catherine zeta-jones's ass? and i didn't have to watch the rest of that awful, awful movie. boo-ya.