HOLY FUCK! - TO THE TRENCHES, LADS!

holy 4 feet of snow batman... ok. mother nature is pissed at me. i get it. i also got 4 feet of snow outside to shovel and.... wait... lemme check.... it's still fucking snowing outside!! boston schools were closed monday and tuesday and i couldn't help but look outside and think of how awesome it was back in the day when snowdays came around and i, naturally, was the first to get to work on one sweet little snowfort. as a critically-acclaimed fort-scholar and master architect for the west side of the RAY (before we moved to the south side and i had to rebuild the syndicate) i learned the zen of snowrfort building from the subtle whisper of the dry powder, and the cereal-box-crunch of hardpack… ripe for the building. ahhhh memories....

outdoor forts, unlike indoor forts (whose purpose is protection from monsters and watching back to the future, obviously), are designed for the smiting of one’s enemies, so step one is to choose an easily-defendable position. try and find a spot near trees; they provide valuable cover from snow-ball missile attack and vertical infrastructure on which to build. also, the clear areas beneath sprawling pines make handy foxholes or fall-back bunkers. second, you’ll need a source of materials--you’re set if someone plows your driveway—but don’t underestimate the value of a pile of snow that’s been sitting around for a couple of days. if it’s been sunny, the snow will have settled into a tough little goldmine that’ll get the job done right. next, break up a bunch of sticks and push them into a mound of snow about 8-12 inches in and about 1 foot apart. take a deep, cleansing breath and think, rebar… rebar… rebar… let your structure sit for a couple of hours during which you should eat chicken soup, munch grilled-cheese sandwiches, and watch thundercats. bundle up and start digging, grasshopper.

as a frequent victim of cave-ins, I recognize the value of safety first, so be sure to add a broom or a mop to your list of tools. bore one airway from the apex of your fort-pile with the broom handle to the bottom and start carving out your hideout. use the snow you’ve excavated from the main chamber to build a wall around the entrance to protect your rear should foes lay siege to your stronghold, and dig plenty of small holes for storing supplies… the enemy will use these to his benefit in the unlikely event that he captures your fort, so be sure to dig a hidden arsenal or two outside the perimeter. pause. contemplate the futility of war, but recall the words of sun tzu: all battles are won before they are fought, so put yourself in a state of mental readiness. go inside and eat kraft macaroni and cheese.

like all things in life, your snowfort is temporary and will melt, but if you have built a good one, it will serve you well and will protect you from the third graders down the street. go in peace.