sooooo... since it's only the hardline democratic iraqis that showed up to vote in today's election, and most of the militant, i-hate-my-dad sunnis stayed home and went, "what the fuck is an election?" i find myself weighing the two following possibilities: 1) have we (duh) plunged iraq into perpetual IRA/UDA, israel/palestine, autobot/decepticon-esq 'terror'-dominated civil war, complete with infrastructure/economy destroying socio-political polarization and mounting anti-US sentiment from both sides (ironic, don'tcha think?), or 2) have the ends, surprisingly enough, justified the means and the hoi polloi are runnin' the show? i shudder to think, but valid point nonetheless. ...i mean, honestly, a dysfunctional democracy where a slim majority of the religious/morally-conscious operates freely, while successfully alienating the quiet, yet crafty, minority works just fine..... right?..... riiiiiiight. ummmmmmm.... TO THE BEER RESERVES!!!
1.31.2005
IMPROMPTU INTERNET POLL
DID I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE?
duke? or stanford? duke? stanford? duke, stanford? duke or stanford? dukeorstanford? dustankeforord? fuck. i chose poorly. i often wonder, dear friends, if you, too, would surrender your fruit juice for a fleeting glance at a monkey's backside....
ummmm... shots shots shots shots- la la la la shoty shots...
1.26.2005
HOLY FUCK! - TO THE TRENCHES, LADS!
holy 4 feet of snow batman... ok. mother nature is pissed at me. i get it. i also got 4 feet of snow outside to shovel and.... wait... lemme check.... it's still fucking snowing outside!! boston schools were closed monday and tuesday and i couldn't help but look outside and think of how awesome it was back in the day when snowdays came around and i, naturally, was the first to get to work on one sweet little snowfort. as a critically-acclaimed fort-scholar and master architect for the west side of the RAY (before we moved to the south side and i had to rebuild the syndicate) i learned the zen of snowrfort building from the subtle whisper of the dry powder, and the cereal-box-crunch of hardpack… ripe for the building. ahhhh memories....
outdoor forts, unlike indoor forts (whose purpose is protection from monsters and watching back to the future, obviously), are designed for the smiting of one’s enemies, so step one is to choose an easily-defendable position. try and find a spot near trees; they provide valuable cover from snow-ball missile attack and vertical infrastructure on which to build. also, the clear areas beneath sprawling pines make handy foxholes or fall-back bunkers. second, you’ll need a source of materials--you’re set if someone plows your driveway—but don’t underestimate the value of a pile of snow that’s been sitting around for a couple of days. if it’s been sunny, the snow will have settled into a tough little goldmine that’ll get the job done right. next, break up a bunch of sticks and push them into a mound of snow about 8-12 inches in and about 1 foot apart. take a deep, cleansing breath and think, rebar… rebar… rebar… let your structure sit for a couple of hours during which you should eat chicken soup, munch grilled-cheese sandwiches, and watch thundercats. bundle up and start digging, grasshopper.
as a frequent victim of cave-ins, I recognize the value of safety first, so be sure to add a broom or a mop to your list of tools. bore one airway from the apex of your fort-pile with the broom handle to the bottom and start carving out your hideout. use the snow you’ve excavated from the main chamber to build a wall around the entrance to protect your rear should foes lay siege to your stronghold, and dig plenty of small holes for storing supplies… the enemy will use these to his benefit in the unlikely event that he captures your fort, so be sure to dig a hidden arsenal or two outside the perimeter. pause. contemplate the futility of war, but recall the words of sun tzu: all battles are won before they are fought, so put yourself in a state of mental readiness. go inside and eat kraft macaroni and cheese.
like all things in life, your snowfort is temporary and will melt, but if you have built a good one, it will serve you well and will protect you from the third graders down the street. go in peace.
1.21.2005
EPILOGUE
and so, dear friends, the sun rises once again upon a new day. as i sit and sip my steaming cup of coffee and reflect over the mounting snowdrifts on the passing tumult of the last few months, a tiny smile graces the corners of my lips, and i laugh with a glad heart. i have seen this day before. it's the day where, though it pains you some, you remember the feeling of promise; you remember that, in the grander scheme of things, life's small cycles fade into linearity when viewed from a distance, and all the arrows eventually point in one direction. indeed, i have seen many days like this. growth is a comfort to all of us, albeit bittersweet; it is a thing to cherish and cultivate, something from which we should draw a warm satisfaction, and not a thing to be feared. pain and disappointment are weathered away by wisdom- tomorrow will be a day just like today, but tomorrow i will have learned the following axiom:
...people are amazingly simple to figure out, but utterly impossible to change...
i'm going to fall asleep now, but i'll sleep smugly tucked in my bed knowing i'm one step closer to reconciliation; because surely happiness must come from the reconciliation of who we are with what we want, and the only currency in that market is understanding. sleep soundly, my dear friends, tomorrow is a new and beautiful day.
THE MATHEMATICS OF ROCK
i figured it out... i was musing about why bass players in all-girl bands are so hot, like you do, and it hit me: it's simple mathematics. take, for instance, your classic punk rock configuration, one guitar, one drummer, one bass player, in which the guitar player is required to have the largest portion of the talent... say 5/9 of the talent... 7/9 of the talent if she doubles as the singer, the drummer must have at least 2/9 of the talent (because, of course, she uses both hands), leaving anywhere between 0/9 and 2/9 of the talent for the bass player. and, unfortunately for them, nobody really hears the bass anyway so the proportion of talent generally hovers around 0 for the low end. mmmmmmmkay. one of life's greatest ironies is that talent is inversely proportional to good looks (for examples, see Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson... um some dudes that are good looking... whatever, use your imagination, i've been drinking), so we can deduce that the guitar player must be the homely-est of lookers, the drummer 7-beer-fuckable, and the wild card for the bass player. The guitar player chosen for her musical skill, the drummer for her ability to not fuck up counting, and the bass player for her sex appeal. voila. as a bass player myself i can tell you that this rule also applies to all male or co-ed bands, because frankly i couldn't find my own ass with two hands and... some sort of.... ass.... finding.... device. whatever. but i'm pretty easy on the eyes if i do say so myself.
oh and can i just tell you that while waiting for my roommate to grab his coat and hat i just happened to turn on "entrapment" to the exact sequence where the camera coyly fixates on catherine zeta-jones's ass? and i didn't have to watch the rest of that awful, awful movie. boo-ya.
ONE MORE THING
i'm about ready to give up on this entire fucking species:
"LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Conservative Christian groups accuse the makers of a video starring SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney and a host of other cartoon characters of promoting homosexuality to children."
read the rest
1.20.2005
AW, NOT AGAIN
dear friends of mine, you've seen me do this before... why, oh why, do i expect such great things from people, but get so little in return? why do i believe that everyone has some fundamental good that trumps all selfish attitudes? why do i constantly believe in people when they turn around and prove me wrong? ugh. i've had enough. it sounds almost like i've given up on you... shall i just assume that everyone is selfish and live with that?
i'm serious- i'm really fucking serious... don't you people think you should treat others as you would have them treat you? we're all goddamn human beings with goddamn emotions, and for christsake let's all take a second to savor the gravity of that statement...
for fuck sake, we're not fucking children- someone, oh god help me, someone just take the time to reach out and understand someone in his/her life; someone take the time to consider- just for one goddamn second- how your behavior affects someone else...
i'm so frustrated right now i feel like i should just pack it all up and move the fuck out to the desert with the fucking lizards and fucking scorpions- you fucking east coast fucking people are really starting to turn me into someone i'm not. to quote a truly compassionate person, "STOP BEING SO FUCKING LAME!" i've done my part, now fucking sack up and do yours. jesus fucking christ, people. goddamnit. just god motherfucking damnit.....
I'D LIKE TO THANK GOD...
anyone else kinda freaked out by the increasing ratio of slogan-to-actual-words coming out of gwb's mouth?.... like pretty soon everything he says will have quotes on it? : bush called on the "force of human freedom" to "break the reign of hatred" and "expose the pretensions of tyrants" in the world in his inaugural speech today. i don't think i'd be surprised if he slipped into, "i just wanted to go out there and do my best, you know... i couldn't have done it without the rest of my team, the other guys played it really well, but at the end of the day we ended up on top. i'd just like to thank god for the opportunity to come out here and to this every day. i love you mom." ...because i fully expect him to spend the next few weeks in disneyland.
yeeeeee-hawww!
1.19.2005
CHRISTMAS CAROLS
damn, i've been way too serious with these posts lately. let's lighten things up with a fun little drinking story...
took a trip out to cape cod this weekend to relax and catch up with some old friends... who ended up gettin ridiculously drunk on nauset light beach at 1am. after A fell in the sand and T poured champagne all over her because he thought his hand was a glass, we mosey'd on over to a dirty-ass dive bar to watch the awful, awful rams game. we bought T a drink, which he poured directly (and seemingly deliberately) on the table, and then A babbled on for about 20 minutes about putting balls in her mouth... louder than i've ever heard anyone talk about balls in my life: "if you're gonna, fuckin'... fuckin'... put both those fuckin' BALLS in your mouth, you'd better start hummin' you're fuckin' favorite christmas carols, lemme tell ya." little kids were sitting about 10 feet away, and i think i cracked two ribs laughing and spitting beer all over myself.
PS
oh and by the way, liberals do, in fact, have a legitimate voice in talk radio. it's called NPR and it's the most intelligent news source there is. interesting, don't you think?
MORE FUN WITH THE RADIO
today's topic: protesters at the presidential inauguration. my radio friends don't think people should be allowed to protest, i mean "i'm a firm believer in the first amendment, but protesting the inauguration of the elected president of the united states is un-american." pardon? did you just say that the right to peacefully gather in protest is un-american? and why is "un-american" a statement that cannot be challenged? you don't get to tell me that i can't walk down the street in a leopard-skin speedo covered in peanut-butter leading a horse with two members of the band supertramp making out on its back while a sign that reads "all hail lord satan" dangles from it's shimmery mane. now that's america jack.
I'm reminded of the time my dad came to visit and flipped the fuck O-U-T when he saw my invitation to an ACLU dinner on the fridge. you know how you can say that you don't much care for black people? well it's because of the ACLU. ...acutally, it's because of the ACLU that black people can say they don't care for my dad, but that's neither here nor there. ever hear of roe vs. wade? the fucking scopes monkey trial? gather 'round kiddies and i shall tell you my favorite ACLU tale:
my roommate, whose family is ridiculously connected to cool people, told me this story: in the 1970's, a group of neo-nazis planned a rally in skokie, illinois (no doubt having nothing better to do), but the city of skokie sued to enjoin the nazi march. frank collin, the neo-nazi spokesman, failed to appeal the ruling before the cook county appellate court. sensing defeat, he turned to the ACLU (which he affectionately referred to as "the ACL-Jew"). most ACLU lawyers were reluctant to represent such a notorious group... except for one (roommate's family friend = tie in, yay!)... did i mention he was jewish? oh yea, the lawyer who represented frank collin was jewish. and do you know who he chose as co-council? a gay black man. yup. the nazis were represented by a jew and a gay black man, effectively de-legitimizing any sort of terror-hold they might have had over anyone.
now, there's no doubt the tenets of nazism are just fucking dumb, but we have to respect an individual's right to speak their mind (minus libelous speech, etc., etc.) no matter how ludicrously stupid they might be. like jay severin. god, that guy's an ass. but let's not forget our responsibility to call out those self-righteous motherfuckers who think they know what "american" is. focker out.
1.15.2005
COOL TEST!
i'm on my way out the door, but i wanted to give you a cool test. if you know who this is, you're cool, otherwise you are certainly un-cool and none of the popular girls will talk to you:
Got me a movie
Ha ha ha hoa
Slicing up eyeballs
Ha ha ha hoa
Girlie so groovie
Ha ha ha hoa
Don't know about you
But I am un chien Andalusia
one million bonus points if you just screamed "ha ha ha hoa," all wild and googly-eyed. ...which was the entire point of this exercise... i know at least one of you did. hell, i just did, and i'm at work for fuck sake. wheeeeee!
one billion points if you can tell me what 'un chien Andalusia' is and what it should be. no fair peeking you cheating, cheating bastards. if you cheat, no cool girls will talk to you, and you'll have to start smoking to be popular again... but you'll only be popular with the goth kids, so don't cheat.
1.14.2005
POOTIE-POOT
has everyone seen this? someone please assure me this is a joke. try and use the phrase, "...but the president didn't feel it was fair to the other pants."
1.13.2005
WASTED TALENT
i'm tired and i want to go to bed, but before i drift off i want somebody to come up with a sentence that uses the phrase, "but it wasn't fair to the other pants," or some variation (e.g. "it's not fair to the other pants"). also, if your name is nelio be sure to read my response to the comments in the previous post... words must not go to waste.
aw hell, as long as i'm still up i might as well share something with you: i woke up sluggish this morning and let my alarm play conservative talk radio for amusement and i happened to catch the 'calls from listeners' section (where the ultra-right can call in to either reinforce jay severin's world view, more frequently, ask him what they should be thinking about a particular topic... that's not a joke; i'm quite serious). today's topic: gays in the military. you can guess how out of control it all became, yes? dig this, brethren: he quotes jack fucking nicholson from a few good men... "who's going to do it? you? you, lieutenant weinberg?" asks jack in the movie. jay, our savior and radio host, directs this reference to the gay population, because "believe it or not, folks, we are at war, and our soldiers need to be able to protect us; they have to be capable of fighting for our freedom" (he rolls the last phrase in his mouth, savoring the gravity of his words). oh, i'm sorry, did anybody mind that jay severin just implied that gays are physically inferior to the straight boys? luckily we get a call from a local army recruiter (and i live in fucking Massachusetts people! ) who then proceeds to tell everyone listening that yes! the army does discriminate! yes, think i, finally someone steps up to call this man on his gross negligence and slander! but alas, the cards fall differently, because she spews: "jay, the army discriminates against all kinds of people, not just gays... we discriminate against people with really bad asthma, and people physical disabilities, and.. and.. (she struggles at this point, her voice pleading for jay to bail her out. clearly the poor thing did not expect the deep end to be so deep), jay, our lord and savior of talk radio, picks up where she left off: "...people who have extremely bad vision."
wow. thank god for jay severin. not only did he save this brave woman, but he managed to fucking equate homosexuality with a medically fucking certifiable physical disability. you see? this is why i dry-heave sometimes.
i only have one thing to say about this particular (and unsurprising) stance on homosexuality: jay severin, have you ever been to halsted market days? because i have.... in the summertime... and i'll fucking tell you, jay severin, if i ever needed anyone to protect my freedom, i pick those dudes. those gay guys are fucking JACKED. i will swear to you all that i have never, ever in my life seen such a collection of ripped, pumped, jacked-up, musclebound, lou-fucking-ferrigno dudes in one place. i haven't been that irrationally intimidated by anything ever in my entire life and i was selling fucking jewelry for god's sake! i actually got hit on once and, not being gay myself, i politely declined, turned and soiled myself. so anyone who thinks that all gay men are lilly-white, limp-wristed pantywaists can just go and fuck themselves right in their bigoted, ignorant asses... ironic, eh?
and mad respect to you diesel gay men, i can't even get down to the gym.
here's something for you to read... keep in mind this is from Massachusetts where fucking ted fucking kennedy lives:
(also did i hear him say we should kill all muslims? actually, my dear friends, i did. check up on this guy.)
RECKLESS
reckless, your comments on my last post are both disturbing and magnificently appropriate.... owing to the fact that your thoughts perfectly echo my own. yes, i'd probably do brad pitt (because just THINK of your bragging rights!), but i'll point out that brad should voluntarily and publicly kill himself for the irreparable damage he's caused for appearing in 'legends of the fall,' 'thelma and louise,' 'the devil's own,' 'seven years in tibet,' 'meet joe black,' 'sinbad,' and 'troy;' then instantly exonerated for appearing in 'cool world,' 'johnny suede,' 'a river runs through it,' 'true romance,' 'fight club,' 'snatch,' and 'spy game;' then forced to languish in obscurity for 'twelve monkeys,' 'interview with the vampire,' 'contact,' and for being eye candy in the candy-esq 'oceans eleven' and 'twelve'... pretty much summing up pitt's entire career which, in retrospect, i know alarmingly too well.
ok, that being said, one of you will need to raise one million dollars for my next proposal: i propose that you all pay me a cool million dollars to do ann coulter. yes, this is my reward for fornicating with the devil's own concubine. reckless will owe me the entire Taco Bell franchise.
1.12.2005
GOD IS PISSED - 5 MORE SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
ages ago, the authors of the christian bible (and a number of other religious texts, but hey... why start acknowledging other religions now?) recognized the need to remind us all that god is a vengeful god, and that we shall live in constant fear of his wrath. among the more colorful plagues to be visited upon all of mankind ('mankind' being 'egypt' historically, but i think we can all accept the ALLEGORICAL significance of this story, no? no? goooooood morning alabama!), i have listed the following (god's order, not mine):
1. water turning to blood
2. frogs raining down from the sky
5. livestock falling down dead in the fields
8. swarms of angry locusts
9. endless darkness
fortunately, the modern age (and S.C. Johnson Wax Inc. a-boo-ya.) have provided us ample insulation from such plagues. God, sensing the wiggity-wackness of our lazy complacency, has gotten 'hip' to our new way of life, and found new ways to torture the people of egy... uh.... earth.
consulting the new dominant religion of this here great nation, the media, i find the following six plagues already in progress (with my own comments added to the mix; i just couldn't resist):
1. CNN, 1:26 "...In the world of celebrities and those who love them, the Jennifer Aniston-Brad Pitt breakup was like the fall of the Berlin Wall..." (hmmmmmmm.... the end of permissive, cold war-fueled nuclear arms stockpiling policies or a divorce between two heterosexuals? you be the judge)
2. Reuters, 4:13 "...An American and a British television company found a creative way around the ban on cameras in the courtroom for Michael Jackson's child-molestation trial: dramatic re-enactments..." (sing with me now! leeeeeeegal... oh, leeeeeegal sy-sy-system, [sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong]... et tu, OJ? doesn't anyone fucking remember the Thriller album?)
3. PeopleOnline, 27:4 "...Star Jones: TV Star, Not Attorney..." (and to think, this whole time i thought....)
4. AP, 3:17 "...Jessica Simpson Speaks of Brad-Jen Split: Following news of the split between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston after four and a half years together, Jessica Simpson,...told Access Hollywood: 'Any marriage is tough. You go through struggles and it's work. You have to make it happen.'" (good point there. oh, three words, jess: tuna or chicken? i'll stick with Dr. Phil... dear satan, though i fought a good fight, you have clearly bested my efforts. well played, sir, well played...)
5. AnnCoulter.org, 3:48 "...Liberals Love America Like O.J. Loved Nicole..." (seriously, go visit this site: AnnCoulter.org. laughed so hard, liiiiiiittle bit of pee came out. this woman's my new pet project.)
yes, dear friends, deep down in my heart i believe god is angry with us... either that or he's very, very tired... because of jerry falwell.
and while i have your attention, i would like to say that i really like Ted Kennedy. rock on, brother. [i was chatting with someone the other day, and he mentioned he really hated that Ted Kennedy!" I asked why, and he replied, "because Ted Kennedy's a big drunk bastard!" then i asked if TK had ever been arrested for drunk driving in the 1970's. that did the trick.]
ohhh, it's been such a loooooong, great week with Pete in town, but sadly he's gone. lucky for you, now that i'm sorely lacking in my social life, i'm free to provide you with what promises to be a good, solid 5 minutes of entertainment. first i will sleep for 12 hours straight without chemical enhancement. huzzah!
1.10.2005
PAYOFF
geez, i've been so delinquent with posting on this blog, but i've been busy... i came through on a promise to all of you greedy little hobgoblins, but it ain't gonna be easy for you to collect. dig a little. won't be too hard. better hurry.
1.03.2005
HIGHBROW HUMOR
oh... and from what i understand i'm pretty funny when i wave my genitals at friends during beer pong. sorry if i accidentally struck any of you. cheers-
OH GOD, THE REDNECKERY
i was looking at one of the more recent issues of Newsweek magazine (the one that hints at a barak obama canadacy in '08, the one that hints at 'the audacity of hope') and just as naming GWB as time magazine's person of the year, the editors of newsweek have grossly and sadly overestimated the character of the general public. because, you see, there are still a shocking number of biggoted motherfuckers out there that absolutely will not vote for a black man for president (or maybe, for instance, the US fucking senate... just an example). here's the interesting part: i started thinking about the discussions i've had with conservatives and liberals alike about what the fuck to do about this bumblefuck lingering problem and, in the shadow of strom thurmond's illegitimate daughter (no surer proof of a higher power, i might add), it came to me: fucking. fucking will save this here planet of ours. i'm a walking hodgepodge of european heritage with cousins that are indian-european, chinese-european, mexican-indian-european, and chinese-mexian-european, etc., etc.. any remark i could make about any demographic just sounds fucking stupid, so why not follow that idea to it's logical conclusion... regardless of how assinine it sounds... fucking, my friends, will erase these foolish, foolish lines of demarcation. oh how exciting!!
anyway the numbers don't lie: your great-grandchildren might be singing Latinos, unidos! for all you know. and that would make sense considering the fantastic array of latino influence on the US from the Americas (what's that you say? we're not the only Americans?!? gasp!).
once again, the most obvious and simple answer to one of our culture's most difficult questions has been overlooked. fucking. that's my final answer. go!
1.02.2005
HAPPY NEW YEAR
hi everyone- thanks to the miracle of aggressive hangover recovery, i've regained the capacity for speech, but unfortunately i have nothing to say. new year's was new year's and, of course, i got ridiculously drunk and spent the following day (read: all day) in my pj's watching tv with my hetero-life-partner and one of our chick friends from college. p.s.- pizza delivery is the greatest invention of all time. rock. anyway, because you're all sex fiends, go read this- paying close attention to the friendster story.... don't do it at work, though. cheeky.
Oh! i almost forgot- recent comments have alerted me to the gross misappropriation of sexual magnetism (aka mojo) from one half of the legendary musical juggernaut Wham!, and i implore all of you to visit this site. with your help we can end this terrible injustice. (beware o' the pop-up ads).
