LE RANT

i have come to the following conclusions based on nothing more than my high, high expectations for each and every one of my flock:

behind every giant pile of bullshit cowers a shivering, little bull who's lost his big, bully momma, and no matter how sympathetic i am to the little bull, i hate smelling like shit. let's explore, citing specific examples from the literature....

1) if you have to talk about how uber-cool all your friends are, and how many girls you know, and how cool they are, and just how oh-so-cool your hangouts are, you bore me. are you applying for a job? quit giving me your resume. you know who does that? highschool girls. coolness is not associative.

2) if you go out of your way to specifically tell me how cool you are (e.g. "because i'm the greatest") and how uncool everyone else is (e.g. "you're all a disgrace"), you're not impressing me. this attitude is about as shallow as a paper plate, but--more importantly--it lacks the creativity and imagination that make people interesting. if you're going to be arrogant, at least put some effort into making it charming. like me, for example.

some of you might say, "hey! they're just insecure! stop being so insensitive, you bully!" and i turn my head to heaven and beg, "oh Lord, please grant thy humble servant a multitude of asses so verily they may all be kissed in turn!" ... and let me tell you why... are you listening? good.

i'm ridiculously lanky. my head is a little too small for my body. i'm not as assertive as i should be. i'm a little on the lazy side. i'm intimidated by extremely attractive women. i'm insecure and can be passive aggressive as a result.

and?

and nothing. big fucking deal. so what. i don't have to go around acting like an insufferable cock just because i'm not perfect. you're insecure? boo-fucking-hoo. way to advertise.

sit in your special chair and daddy will give you a little bit of advice: being honest gets you way better tang than being shallow and overbearing.

do some of you disagree with my methods? get over yourself. i don't say things like this because i hate these people; i love these people, and i don't want to see them make anyone else feel like they do. more to the point, i don't want to see them shit on themselves anymore. it bores me.

and i hate being bored.

sack up and stop acting like a child. be real, and i promise to compliment you on your new hairdo.

i have insecurities, too. it's the one thing everyone has in common.

of course, i may just be comfortable with myself because i believe my penis to be above average.... didn't occur to me until just now-
will have to think about that one....