SECONDS

today was one of those days where i catch up on all my phone messages that i'd been putting off, mostly because i don't like to acknowledge the nightmarish reality that is my life and instead self-medicate, turn on the daily show/Red Sox, and laugh/weep/do coke of hookers' asses myself to sleep without a second thought about reaching out and touching another person in my normal work week, but today i was just feeling saucy. plus i know a ton of kick-ass people (and, yes, that includes mom and dad). i called a friend of mine to see how her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend situation was working out, and secretly i want her to go out and treat herself to a good time because, as i later realized in one of my classic moments of utterly worthless self discovery, the second sexual partner you have is just as monumental as the first... bear with me...

the first time has it's classic merits, so i shan't illustrate that point.... doogie howser and kevin arnold explained as much to me before i was old enough to explore such things anyway.

the second sexual partner, on the other hand, is your first opportunity to showcase all the nifty little tricks you learned from the last one that worked ohh so well (yes, in this example i'm equating the loss of one's virginity to a test audience). how is this one different from the last? compare and contrast, citing specific examples from the literature (i almost allowed myself to type 'cliterature' there, but it seemed like the lazy tool of a weak mind). your new partner may also show you a thing or two you hadn't considered, yes?

but what stuck with me most about good ol' #2 was the feeling of what i'll call pimpdaddyness. i recall thinking to myself while awkwardly positioning my quaking body over.... oh christ, what was her name? kidding. ...thinking how i wanted to climb the nearest mountain/tree/circus tent pole, throw my head back, and joyously proclaim, 'HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME! I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS!! HOSANNAH!!'

like i was flippin' james bond or some shit. like i was some notorious european player controlling all heroin trade from the baltic sea into western europe via the parisian underworld. oh yea. just like that. like i was going to look down and say, 'don't worry, babe, i've done this before...' and give her that coy little dean martin wink and blow her mind.

one's a lucky break, two's real talent dean-o. now let's go take a steam.

kinda like the first time you legally bought beer for the freshman in your dorm- how they all looked at you like you were jesus christ, himself- how you looked down into their watery, adoring eyes, swiped big fistfulls of their parents' money from their trembling hands, and nodded confidently... 'don't worry kid, i've done this before.'

now the third time, that's a different story. like, maybe, the first time you didn't get carded buying alcohol? i dunno. work the rest out for me.