THE WIND

ahhh the universe can be so poignant with it's lessons for me.... without sounding insensitive, i might say that each one of us has to pull a feeding tube now and again; to learn to let go when the inevitable has arrived and we can't quite rise to face it. courage is underrated.

i'm an eternal optimist. i believe you hopeless fucks will one day prove that all my sacrifice has been worthwhile, but you really can't win every battle, can you? once in awhile you take a gamble that doesn't pay off; one that makes you wonder how much, over weeks and months, you gave up to play a part in something you were doomed to forfeit in the end. long odds are tough odds, and every loss is a hard one.

on the other hand, i should have known better. i knew i was putting in more than i could get back, but i didn't care. you'll all prove me wrong now and again, but i'll sit quietly and continue to expect the best from you with a smug, shit-eating grin on my face... like i know you all will come around.

even if you don't, it really doesn't matter in the end. today i'm the shit. tomorrow i'll be the shit. that won't change.

still, it's sad to see one slip away from me like this. how did i manage to get so caught up i lost sight of who was going to meet me in the middle? no one came there, so i sat down in the grass and waited patiently for anyone to show up, but no one came around. it's been such a hell of a long time since i've been waiting for something to happen, i hardly remember what the point was in the first place.

i realize there's something tragic about hope left unanswered, but i hoped anyway.

now i think i'll learn to accept all this with grace. time spent expecting the best is time well spent and, though i still feel incredibly cheated, i won't look back with bitterness. no one took anything from me i didn't offer.

i just wish there were another voice out there to echo my own this time.

fuck it. i'll do it all the same way tomorrow. that won't change. i'm too old to change. you'll just have to get used to me.